Thanks Lana!

1. Tracy
A covert name for ecstasy.
I'm bringing tracy over for the family to meet.
ecstasy drugs tracy slang code name

2. tracy
1.) The unisex name Tracy \t-ra-cy\ is pronounced TRAY-see. It is of Irish Gaelic origin,one meaning is warlike. Another originating as a nickname for Theresa "late summer"

2.) A term referring to one who has many contradicting qualities, characteristics or traits usually in an EITHER/OR basis ie; Nice, cruel, Stubborn, Compliant, Sparkly, Dark, Social, isolated, Wishful, hopeless, innocent, sinful, naieve, cunning, proud, ashamed, determined, indifferent, generous, glutton, giving, selfish, trustworthy, dishonest, good, evil etc

3.) One who some would say posesses the cognitive, social, logical skills of a 5 year old-- think about this: 5 year olds are pretty much masters of all those areas and more so than adults the majority of the time!!!

Cheer up buttercup it wasn't your fault. Come out of the house, stand out in a crowd, Not like you knew that would happen you're the sweetest girl I know.... Oh! you did....well they deserved it and funny how they came to you for advice about what you had caused!! Pretty calculating and yet executed with integrity and class although somewhat evil it was flawless and very kind of you to offer a bandaid for the wound so to speak. That was a 10 point tracy girl!

Hurricane Ike

Well, ofcourse a massive hurricane would come when I come to visit Houston, TX. I'm visiting my friend Aria, and all of a sudden... pure panic. Alright, not pure panic. Really, we aren't near the evacuation areas. Or I guess we are near them, we just aren't one of them. It's sort of exciting buying supplies and listening to all the paranoid news casters. If you can believe it, I found PINK duct tape for the windows. We're going to have the most stylish windows in Houston!

So pretty much other than the potential drowning I'm about to encounter, everything's pretty boring. Houston is nice, except for the pockets of air that smell like poop. And I'm counting the amount of honks I get while walking down the street. I'm on 9 now. And no, it's not because of my ridiculously hot bod. It's just because all the men here are horny pervs. Dude, even in my friend's apt it smells like butt! Although I may have farted and just didn't notice. But I'm pretty sure I would've remembered cause that's just foul!

Well, it was nice knowing you, just incase the end really is near.

ok, ok, ok

geez, sorry i don't update fast enough for the 3 people that actually want to hear what i'm doing with my life. well, i'm sorry to disappoint, but i really don't have much to say. i was promoted to manager at work. if i died today, i'd be satisfied knowing that i died a blockbuster manager.

so pretty much i work. a lot. and when i'm not working, i'm taking long naps. sometimes i get a little high. other than that, life's pretty much the same. oh, i'm doing well with the whole eating thing. i have an ass now. and i like it. uh... i look super hot in my bbv uniform. that was a joke for those of you who may not be familiar with my humor. i'm still a jew. and you're jealous. i've been to the beach a lot lately. but it'd be better if i had some one to go with.... hint. as in you all need to come out here. like now.

whit came, as most of you probably know. she's going to rader in oxnard, so we spent a little time together before i took her. the last i heard she was handcuffed to a rail. i'm not sure if that was a joke or not. but let's be honest. it made me happy to imagine a treatment center handcuffing a pt to a rail as punishment.

well, i think it might be close to my nap time. i don't work today. and that makes me not as cranky as usual. i have inventory tomorrow and wednesday, then i have thursday and friday off. so yay. maybe i wont be as big of a bitch as usual. but i guess we can only hope.

ehhhh

my back hurts like a freaking mother. it's one of those things that's a reminder i was a dancer once and now my joints have started freezing and telling me, "that's what you get for just stopping!" whatev. but ouch.

so, i've finally conviced my teacher that i'm capable of doing an externship for my MA course. long story short, she saw my arms... blah blah blah, old scars whatev. you know the drill. so, tomorrow i have to go to the site i'll be working at and get drug tested. fun stuff. and no, i have nothing to worry about. unless effexor comes up positive for crack, i'm good. so i should be starting next week. four months of full time work with no pay. love it.

life's been crazy, too much work, not enough money, and horrendous menstrual cramps. yesterday i spent the entire day in bed, crying in agony. it was the first time i've thrown up involuntarily in years. i don't usually get that sick, but fuck woman hood. i swear i should've given birth because at least i'd have something to show for the pain. but people that don't get those kind of cramps don't believe they exist. so fuck all of you who have a happy period. :D

summer is definately here in ca, however i have no car and haven't been to the beach since before utah. bastards! you'd think my friends would be happy to take me, but it's sort of like my utah friends that promised to take me sledding and never did. yeah thanks guys. but seriously, i need the beach. it's not a want, but a NEED.

well, i think i might be in a bad mood. maybe it has something to do with the fact that today's my day off and i was called in to work. i haven't said yes yet, but the part that makes me pissed is that i have nothing else to do so i'll probably end up going. so i think i'm going to go try to find something to do so i can decline. peace out hommies. i miss you way too much.

worst blogger ever

So I guess I'm pretty much the only person on earth that can't keep up a blog. Alright, we all know that isn't true. But I've been so busy I haven't had time to go on the computer. There's so much that's happened lately, I really don't want to get into it because I have to leave in a half hour to go meet with Rabbi Moskowitz. So.. let me try to some it up.

TRACY'S LIST OF HAPPENINGS

~finished school
~told by teacher that since I have marks on my arms, (from previous cutting habbits) perhaps I should do an externship for my medical assisting course since it is a "psychological" issue

Shit guys, I just got a call from my ride and I have to leave like right now. Bitches. Ok, but quickly, last night was my first night working as a shift manager! YEAH! That means I get paid a whole dollar more. $9.75 man I'm really rolling in the dough now. Stupid. Anyway, I swear I'll write sooner. Not that any of you will read this seeing as I haven't written in so long. But I'm doing well and all that shit. Life sucks still, just without eating issues. :D

not so happily happy

I'm not really sure why, but I'm sort of in a sad mood. I went to temple this morning because I worked last night and obviously couldn't go then. But I've been thinking of Justin non stop. And I know I'm stupid and crazy or whatever, but I miss him. NO, I haven't heard from him, but to his defense, I'm sure he's just too sad to contact me. He's in love. I'm sure of it.

On a not really happier, but different note, I smell like weed right now because my brother is out back smoking and I'm upstairs in the computer room and the window is wide open. I don't care what people say, it does NOT smell good.

So, for some unknown reason, my dad doesn't want me to have a car. That's not really what he says, but I'm convinced that's what he means to say. So lucky me, I get to walk 2 miles to work, in about 45 minutes. Let's be honest, I don't really mind it, because I don't exactly mind exerting energy and potentially losing weight or gaining muscle or whatever you want to call it, but I really just don't want to go to work. Working Friday, Saturday and Sunday night isn't exactly my idea of a chill weekend, but money is money. And when you don't have any, you'll waist your weekend easily for some nice cash. Although, it's not like I had anything to do anyway.

Is it weird that I'm slightly jealous that my dog is downstairs with my stinky brother instead of up here with me?

I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I have a lot going on in my head. I had another dream about Justin. I swear I don't stalk him. I even totally ignored the urge to drive by his house this morning. I mean, yes, he isn't there, but his truck is. And I have nice memories of that truck. Anyway, so see, I'm not that crazy. But in my dream, he told me he checks his phone every day to see if I called. I know this isn't true because t mobile doesn't work in New Zealand, and I've checked. It's off.

Recent events have caused me to once again question my worth. I don't mean to be all self-pittyish, but it's just ironic how it's widely known that people aren't perfect, and mistakes are inevitable. But I guess I'm just an aweful waist of woman.

I think it's funny that I just called myself a woman.

Maybe I should run to work.

I have to go potty.

That felt good. :D

I like to imagine it snowing in Utah right now, while it's fabulously warm out. It makes me feel like I have an advantage over you Utes.

HA! I win. Maggie just came upstairs because she realized boys are stinky.

Well, I guess I should stop and get ready for work. Poop.

finally

It's been way too long since I've done a new post. While a lot has been happening, there's really nothing to say. Although I did give blood for the first time. I've always wanted to donate blood, but unfortunately, being underweight isn't really something they look for in a donor. But luckily, that's not the case anymore. So yay for gaining weight. I potentially saved three lives with one pint of my precious blood. And I must say I'm quite proud of my beautiful veins. I filled my bag in 5 minutes! booyah! There was an annoying guy there giving blood and his took over 20 minutes. I knew all those years of getting labs taken would pay off. My veins are use to giving.

I spent the night at my dad's house for the first time since I actually left for Utah. The only reason he invited me was because Lynn was out of town, but still, it was nice to be with my dad. I rented the Notebook for him. For some reason her really wanted to see it, but how am I to disagree, it's definately worth my last free rental for the week. My dad usually cries like a baby to country songs, so movies are a freaking awesome sight. He's cute, but I usually laugh at him. Well, for some really weird reason, by the end I was freaking balling. I don't cry at movies. And all of a sudden I'm freaking sobbing. I guess I felt bad about all the time I haven't spent with my dad. My dad is simple and he pisses me off, but he's trying as hard as he can to just be. You know what I mean? I don't know, maybe I'm just a bitch. Ok, let's be honest. I AM a bitch, but still. I guess I miss the days when life was simple. I just miss my daddy I guess.

Oh and just so you know, last Sunday was my two year anniversary from the day I left for CFC. Yay for recovery.

it's freaking hot

just so all of you from utah know. i'm not sure how long i can take it without going down to the BEACH!!!!!

curse not having a car and work. because i don't have a car and i have work tonight. so not fair.

poop. i also have a test tomorrow. damn beach weather.

"did you hit some one with the privia?"

No DAMNIT!! I hit some one with my freaking Corolla! Seriously, does it all have to happen at once? Whatev. You know what I love though? I take out my camera phone to take a picture, not for the insurance, but because I knew I'd want to upload it onto my blog. You know you're pathetic when the first thing you think of is your blog during life's most trying events. Alana was the first person besides my mom to find out. I figured she'd help me out. She's had major experience. She's the Collision Queen. Thanks Billy.

So, the cop was super nice. He said he was going to arrest me because I was originally from Utah. I told him I was from Ca, and then I just ended up telling him why I was in Utah. Let me tell you, pitty is a blessing from God. He totally felt bad for me and said he had family that had an eating disorder. He did site me for the crash, or the fact that my place are expired. Yeah. Since Feb. Ha ha. Plus he said by the looks of the skid marks, I was already breaking and only going about 20 mph. I'm not sure if that's true, but I'm not going to argue with the man. So, now I'm just at home, deciding whether or not I should walk to Wallgreens to pick up some coffee heathbar crunch and watch Juno for the 17millionth time this week.

I just got a call from my insurance company. And it's what I thought. I only had liability, not full coverage. Shitface. Oh well. So ice cream and a move anyone?

"Maybe they'll like Cannonize me for being so selfless." -Juno

"Or maybe like totally shit, and be really, really mad!" -Leah

crappity crap

how can some one be so freaking amazing and yet, be so far from where he should be? ha ha i'm kidding. i'm seriously not that obsessed, crazy status. but still.

so, i can pretty much recite the entire juno movie. not that that's something to brag about. i saw my aunt today. i haven't seen her in a while. but she brought up a very interesting point. i have an uncle. well, i have 6 uncles, but one in particular happens to be a dive master and always is visiting exotic countries so he can go scuba diving. she told me that i should get him to take me to new zealand because he would totally pay for everything. how aweful is that that i totally want to use him so i can go and visit a boy. whatev. i never got to have my rebellious, selfish bitchy teenager stage. why not now? the sad thing is, i bet justin totally already forgot who i am. who cares. i want to go to new zealand regardless.

my head hurts. i got back my tax return from the state of utah. 250 bucks baby. i would've gotten more back but i was too scared to contact heather ash. i've come to the conclusion that i'm bored. with my life. school is whatever. i mean i like the fact that pretty soon i'm going to get to poke people with needles, and get free self harm from some other stupid ma, but there has to be more to life. i've decided i want to go to africa and go on a safari. all i need is to win the lottery. hey, i won $8 the other day. that's closer, right? i hate this. bordom is a bitch. and i have gas. don't you wish we convert our gas to gasoline for cars? it'd be so much cheaper. and i'd get to live off of bbq beans and cheese cake.

he's gone.

so, justin is probably on a plain right now flying to new zealand. i'm so sad. i almost wonder if it would've been better if i hadn't met him. ok, no that's definately not what i wish. just watch, someday i'm gonna be married to him. you laugh. but just watch. i'm already working on getting my passport. anyone for a new zealand trip in the not too distant future?

today i got certified for cpr. can i just tell you that that class was a load of shit. any class where they give you a cheat sheet and review the test right before you take it is really sad. let's just say that if i needed it, i'd rather not be resuscitated than have one of the students in that class slap an AED on me. regardless, i have a cpr card.

I start injections next week in my class. all this shit i was looking forward to isn't as exciting as it was before i met my future husband. i totally hope he never sees this. how freaking psycho do i sound. whatev.

my mom pissed me off tonight. i asked her to come to temple with me. it was my mom, judy and me, and they both ganged up on me trying to shuve brownies in my face. ok, i'm doing well. i made the mistake of telling them i accidentally lost like 5 pounds and shit. and i know it sounds stupid, but i really didn't mean to. i've just been all upset lately and you know how it's really hard to swallow when you're sad or anxious. plus i was just on my period, and let's not get into that. anyway, fuck. now judy keeps inviting her to shit. and i don't want to go. fuck that. i should just move to new zealand. ha ha. jk.

ps alana, don't you dare text my mom anything about this. i'll shoot you. thanks.

the boy

holy shit i think i'm in love. not only is he the nicest smelling guy in california, he's also an awesome person! he's spent the last 6 months in africa getting a well built for a village that had no clean water. i've spent the last few days with him and i can't believe him. did i mention he's one of the best kissers in california too?

down side to mr. perfect? ofcourse there has to be, right? i mean, there always has to be some sort of catch. well, there's definately a catch here. justin is moving to new zealand. next week. god freaking damn! i swear to all that is holy that i'm going to marry this man someday. but are you freaking kidding me? new zealand? first of all, i've always wanted to go there. but then... why that hell is he going now? couldn't he wait a few weeks? i could totally pull a mormon and get married in a few weeks, but a few days... even paul harper wouldn't go for that. and his prediction was that i'd be married within the next year. got to love that guy, but honestly. so i guess i'm just going to spend as much time with him as i can before he leaves. shit... he's freaking perfect! and he TOTALLY got it when i busted out a line from nacho libre. we're meant to be. i just know it. well. that's life i guess.

http://web.tickle.com/rd/53516/color/

my color

tracy's a super bitch

"amber, i think you're a really cute, nice girl, and i understand that there are times when it's hard not to focus all of your attention on eating and the way you look. but i just think you really need to think about what pictures you post. i understand the album you have is for awareness, but seeing that you are facebook friends with people like whit and betsy, they both are in really fragile states in their recovery. seeing pictures like that aren't helpful for people like them, and to have it so accessable is really risky. i have to admit that looking at them myself brought back bad memories, and i'm really trying hard to stay away from that. i know it's our own choice to look at your pics, but they're plastered on out home page as we sign in. i'm all for you being in groups that help you express yourself, but seriously, i know for one i'm trying to get away from that shit. and it's even hard for me not to want to look. maybe you could make them private or something because i know i don't want to see them. i hope i'm not acting like a bitch, but if that's what it takes, i guess i'd rather come across as one. i hope you can find something to hold on to, because fishing for compliments is only going to make things worse. you should treat yourself better, because you'll find the friends that come treat you better too. thanks for hearing my side. you really are awesome. maybe someday you'll listen to that.

tracy"

so that would be what i wrote to amber drake. sorry to use your name whit, i was just trying to make a point, seeing you were really the only person on her friends list that i knew. so... how much of a freaking bitch am i? i'm sorry, but any girl that posts pictures of herself partially naked and then has to make a point of telling everyone she's "fat" and then fish for the freaking compliments like, you're crazy! you're so skinny! it's just fucking annoying.

anyway, i went on a sorta-not-really date last night. i went out for coffee with my friend, and then we invited justin, a guy from temple that asked for my number last friday. holy shit, the guy smells so good. he asked me to go with him to his cousin's restaurant in L.A. tonight. I really want to go, but I have a class at the temple i really wanted to go to. and if i don't go, i don't get my special jew certificate! poop. well, i'm going to meet with rabbi moskowitz in like an hour, so i don't know. whatev. but i swear, i'd have justin's babies. definately. he's moving to new zealand in like a week though, but hell, i've always wanted to go! whatev. no commitment right? ha. anyway, i'm cold and i really just wanted to show you how much of a bitch i really am. i love you guys.

effexor withdrawls

well, today is day number two without my meds. i'm an idiot and didn't really care about the fact that i ran out until i realized i really did run out. today i'm going through the begining stages of withdrawl. not fun. i made an appt for tomorrow. my mom's going to stop by walgreens on her way home and ask them for two days worth of effexor xr. i definately wasn't aware you could do that. we'll see if you can when she comes home with or without it. she told me to tell them i have an appointment for tomorrow and they should give me a few pills. that definately doesn't make me feel like an addict.

i have something i need to get off my back. i have a friend on facebook, and i met her at the center. i don't think she was ever inpatient, but i know she did alice's yoga group or whatever that shit was. anyway, she has this "album" on her facebook called look what society has done, or something like that, i'm not exactly sure. anyway, she posts these pictures of anorexic girls, some definately are computer enhanced to make them look worse. anyway, i'm sure she has it up as some stupid awareness shit, but it's definately looking more like a pro-ana thing to me. it just pisses me off because she sends me shit like eating disorder awareness group invites, and then she posts shit like that on her site. i've tried really hard to be nice and tell her she shouldn't have that on there, but i think she's a little too dense for that, and now i'm about to comment on her site saying she's a fucking dumbass and she's probably making it really hard for some people to stay the hell away from that shit. wow. i'm so glad i could get that off my chest. now i'm going to go tell her that. :D anyway, maggie is home, i need to go play with her.

how old am i again?

honestly... alright... so i sort of told a little lie to get out of class early today. elan called, and i haven't seen her in way too long, so at first i was planning on meeting her at her house today at 12pm. i don't get out of class till 2:30ish, so i told my teacher i had an appointment to get to. i'm honestly one of the better students in the class, and i've only missed one day. most people have missed more, and i know some that the teacher likes that have missed multiple times. well what does she say to me? "you're going to be missing quite a lot, will you bring a doctor's note?" ok, so i texted elan and asked if i could meet her at 2. that way i'd just tell my teacher i moved the appt for her. she told me that was much better. but as i was about to leave...15 minutes after 2, mind you, she says... don't forget your doctor's note. FUCK THAT! that's the fucking stupidest thing i've ever heard! i'm 21 and i need a doctors note to be excused from 15 minutes of class. honestly, the bitch hates me. she's the one that made me feel like an idiot when i told her i wasn't going to get on a scale for everyone in the class. she told me i'd have to get over that if i was going to be in the medical field. yeah, because i see how weighing myself is imparative to the health of my patients. stupid asswipe.

so, i just came back from a little jog. it was actually quite nice and very not e.d. provoking. seriously. i went out to dinner with my mom and had a salad and french fries... isn't that contradicting ha ha... and i thought, i'd really like to take a little jog. it wasn't too far, and now i feel good. oh... so i saw elan! it was so nice to see her. i made her look at my boobs. i know she's jealous. so, she's going to SAB this summer in NYC, and i think i'm going to visit her. anyone want to join me? i think it'd be so much fun to go to nyc with you girls. minus all the eating troubles, because believe me, been there, done that, and it's not that much fun in the heat. anywho... yeah. elan and i went to a park in fullerton, and played on the swings and smashed open a watermellon on the ground and then ate it. don't worry, the parts we ate didn't touch the ground. it was good times. unfortunately, she took the pictures of us eating it, so i don't have them to post. i'll try to get her to email them to me.

i'm having a hard time getting motivated to go to school tomorrow. that freaking hag just pissed me off. ugh! yeah. so i'm tired. and thirsty! DIET COKE PLUS!! i'm out bitches. loves ya.

T

"don't be a butt"

alright, so there is a guy that lives by me, and he's a smoker. no, this isn't one of those stupid pathetic jokes that i don't even get, so keep reading. if you walk down the street parallel with my neighborhood, there is a wall between you and where i live. so, this man likes to smoke his cigs and then flick them over the wall. well, i think thats rude. so do you want to know what i did? i picked up all the cigs on the sidewalk, and went around the wall, and put them in front of his door. while it was open and he was sitting on the other side of the wall watching tv. i decided next time i'm going to put them all in a box, wrap it like a present, and attach a note that says, "don't be a butt." do you think he'll get it?

my mom just offered to get me a gym membership. i'm a little reluctant, and you should know why. if you don't, ask alana. or not. anyway, i think i want to take her up on this offer, because i'm eating now. and that's good. ha ha. sorry, that wasn't funny. anyway, i think i'm ready to start the whole physical exercise thing and not get obsessed about it. one thing, i'm too busy to always be at the gym. another, she'll be paying for it. i think. i don't know. whatev.

well, i guess i'm sort of boring because i can't think of anything to write. oh, do you like the picture? it's of my hand and phillip's, a little boy with autism that i volunteer for. he's the cutest thing ever. and then that's me and him. he's the cutest ever. i pretty much love him. well, i miss your guts.


t.

my besties

you three seriously are the most awesome people ever. i did go to see rabbi moskowitz... and by the way, i crack up every time i try and imagine you guys saying his name wrong :D... and it was really what i needed. he didn't push anything and just let me talk. he would ask basic questions about family and work and stuff. but it was really nice to talk to him. except for the times when he's just STARE AT ME! jeez what is it with people? ha ha. reminded me of wendy. except i didn't yell at him ha ha. so i had to keep talking so at least it wasn't like... ok.... therapy. at least it was free. ha. jk.

i'm not gonna lie... i really miss you guys. who votes for me coming out to utah soon? i want to show off my new boobs. real boobs. :D i'm starting to be alright with the boob/booty thing. i actually think i have a hot ass now. i've even made people feel it. don't worry, most of them weren't strangers.

i was so productive today. i washed my car AND waxed it. that shit is hard to take off. then i went for a run... in my cfc pride shirt, mind you. remember when we made shirts for spirit week? the picture is the shirt where it says treatment team 1. anyway, and i showered, essential. and now i think i'm going to take a nap. here's to days off and doing things without being told to! whooooo! i miss you guys. did i mention that yet? well, i'm gonna go sleep. i have my judaism class at 7 tonight, so i have pleanty of time for sleep. yay. i love ditch days.

blah

yeah, i just feel blah. no reason. i think i'm too tired. i'm thinking maybe i'll ditch school tomorrow. i finally did that freaking paper on a dr. from history. i picked dr. leo kanner. he named the syndrom of autism. so i don't really have anything to do. there's no tests tomorrow, and i told rabbi moskowitz i wanted to talk to him. tell me what i should do here... i think i explained in the last post that i started crying before going out with nicho and rabbi moskowitz saw me and put his arm around me. well i told him that i've had bad experiences in the past and then i told him i wanted to talk to him. so he took out his planner and said he'd talk to me tomorrow at 10am. well, now i don't really want to talk to him about that. you know how when the moment is past and you're kind of like... never mind it's all good now... that's what i feel like. i emailed him and said he didn't have to talk with me, but i just feel like a freak now. do you think i should go? i'd have to skip school anyway. but what happens if i sit down and then just don't start talking. or say something stupid to try to change the subject. i feel like a dumbass. whatever. nothing new. ha ha.

so i got a text from nicho last night. he said he was out of his element on friday and he's not use to not eating all day. appearently he hadn't eaten all day. i kind of found that funny. anyway... he said he wanted to see me again. i suppose i could, but it seems sort of awkward. something about friday just was a turnoff. i think he just wants to get some. why do guys get the impression i'm like that? because i'm NOT. whatev. i don't know. i think i'm just freaking tired and i REALLY don't want to go to work. at least after today i have 4 days off in a row. YEAAAA YAH!!! i miss having friends. burp. tired. tired. tired. oh and sometime soon i want to make a list. i'm not sure what kind of list, something random, and put it up on my page. i'll work on it tonight at work. ha ha. blah. i should go now. poop. anyway, should i see the rabbi tomorrow? TELL ME!!!

trace.

stupid baby

Holy shit. Tracy's a fucking idiot. just incase you didn't already know that. so since i'm being harassed by alana so fucking much i'll write about my date from yesterday after temple, but first, i have to tell you what happened before we went out.

after services on friday nights, there's something called an oneg. it's basically when they bless the wine and challah bread and then everyone talks and blah blah. so, i was with my friend judy. i call her my jewish mommy. she told me she was going to leave, and i told her that i didn't want to go out with nicho. people kept coming up to me at that point because they had noticed that i was sitting with a boy that no one knew. i started freaking CRYING! fucking dumbass. i was basically pleading with judy that she not leave me and told her i wanted to go home. the next thing i knew, the freaking rabbi was standing next to me. i was holding a paper in front of my face because judy started to make a big deal and everyone was sort of laughing at me in the... oh i remember those days... kind of way. well then i started seriously crying and the rabbi said... is this about... and before he could say anything judy says YES.

well judy sort of likes to make a big deal out of everything and she was like... stop being a baby and go out! well the rabbi saw that i was really crying, and he asked if i was seriously afraid to go. i shook my head yes. by this point he had his hand on my back in the concerned father-ish type of way, and i thought, oh shit. now he's going to know i'm a freak. you know when some one notices "oh, there's more to this person than i thought. maybe i can help" especially when it's a rabbi or bishop or whatever. and the last thing you want is for some one you respect to know you're crazy. anyway, the rabbi asked me if i was afraid he was going to hurt me. and i told him i've just had bad experiences in the past. judy doesn't know about any of the not so good things that have happened in the past year with the male species. and now, like a fucking dumbass, i open myself up to some one i really didn't want to know i'm retarded. of course, i guess i'm glad i didn't say that to judy. anyway... so by this time rabbi moskowitz is hugging me and judy is telling me i'm a baby. if she only knew. but yeah, so then i ran into the bathroom so i could fix my make up. i sucked it up and just told the rabbi i wanted to talk to him sometime next week.

then i left with nicho.

so that's just pre date. i seriously didn't think it would be like that. i mean, i didn't think it'd be hard to go out. i haven't really been scared like that since stuff. you know? sometimes i forget about last year. and that's nice. :D not gonna lie. but let me tell you, i got a sorta weird vibe from nicho. not that i was afraid he was going to do anything... but he definitely sort of reminded me of the devil. and by the devil i mean jared. ha ha. not in the scary way, but the i-know-i-look-good sort of way. i don't know, i guess i just didn't really click with him. we walked down second street and went to this cafe called the library. i saw one of the most anorexic girls i'd seen out here since getting back. i felt really bad for her. at the same time, i got a small twinge of that i'm jealous sort of thing, but believe me, it didn't last. it was actually sort of neat to be able to thing, wow, that girl is hurting, and i'm glad i'm not at the place anymore.

so after the cafe, we went back to my car and i drove us around for a while. i didn't want to be parked for fear of stupid fears i have. anyway, yeah, i sort of think he thinks he's prettier than he really is. i mean, he's nice looking, i'm not going to lie. but the way he was talking about how he wishes people could see more than his looks, it made him a lot less attractive. that and he told me he was jealous of me because i wasn't very experienced in the relationship department. i know i guess he sort of meant it as a compliment, but it just sounded like a stupid thing to say. anyway, we stayed out till 3 just talking. no i didn't kiss him. and that was because he had bad breath. and let's be honest, i sort of was looking forward to the kissing part. and i could tell he was too. :D ha. shows i was in control. and that's how it's meant to be baby. oh yeah, and he had this weird thing with feet. ew.

so, maybe i wont marry nicho. oh well. it just kind of sucks because now going to temple is going to be a little awkward. and it's my favorite place to be. that and probably the fact that i'm pretty sure nicho thinks i'm into him, even though that's not the case. uh. so yeah. it wasn't a disaster. but now i have an appt to meet with the rabbi next week, but i wrote him an email today apologizing for being stupid and telling him not to worry about meeting with me because i'm just a dumbass. only not in those words. i feel so stupid. whatev. nothing new.

on a lighter note... JUNO COMES OUT ON VIDEO ON APRIL 15th! I'm so excited. for rizzle. i'm going to buy it as soon as we receive it. which is before YOU are going to be able to buy it. i love working at bbv.

anywho, it's late and i have a report i need to start that's due on tuesday that i'm probably still not going to start till monday night. i love procrastination. not

freaking tired

i pretty much feel like i haven't slept in forever, but that's not true. i'm just becoming a freaking grandma and need to take naps in the middle of the day. whatev. i'm down. i figured i'd do a quick post for the only two people that look at this, and then i'll take a shower and a nap before my judaism class tonight.

so, a little update on the nicho sitch. we've been texting all week, and i told him that after service on friday i'll go out with him for coffee. usually on fridays i go to school with my friend judy to volunteer at her school for the autism class she teaches. they're the cutest kids ever. anyway, i have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn. and usually i spend the night at her house thursdays so i can just wake up and leave, but i still have to wake up by 6:15am. and if you know me, you know that's not a tracy thing, so i must REALLY love those kids if i get up that early on my day off. anyway... if i have to get up that early, it's going to be really hard to motivate myself to stay out late, even if it is with a ridiculously sexy boy. so do you think i should bail on judy and sleep in? even though i love helping out the kids? or should i just suck it up? nicho has to be at work by 6am every day so he wakes up at 4am. that's worse, so maybe i should shut up and just sleep in on saturday. whatever.

i need to visit utah. and you know what? lately i've had the urge to write becky and alice letters telling them i'm doing well... the one for alice is because i really liked her and i want her to know that i kicked it into gear, and the one for becky is because i sort of feel pissed about the way she left things making me feel like a bitch. i know i should probably just leave the whole thing alone, but i want her to know even though she didn't think i'd be able to get better without a therapist and all that shit, i did it, without her help. it's really immature. well, my reasoning is. maybe i'll write the letter for beck and just not send it. like write it in my journal and just get it out and then that's it. because really, i shouldn't care what she thinks about me. poop.

so yeah. i've been doing pretty well. despite the fact that since we're working on vital signs at school and we have a skills test next week, so i have to get weighed or else i don't get points. i'm seriously mostly alright with my weight and how i look and feel. which is amazing because i was so messed up in my head when i came back home, not wanting to get better and shit. and i know my weight... yes i still own a scale, but i don't have the feeling that i need to use it. i do sometimes but not very often. but to have some one else see my weight on an uncalibrated scale isn't my idea of a necessity to become an MA. whatev. i told my partner that i'm going to get on the scale backwards. she knows about my issues. ha ha. she use to have them too. so it's cool to have some one out here to talk to. i just think my teacher is a dumbass. but yeah, i'm mostly comfortable with myself. which i never thought would happen. so i'm pretty proud of myself. boo yeah bitches!!

anyway, i'm out. it's NAP TIME!

love you whores.

nicho nicho nicho

ok lana, this one is for you.

so anyway, i went to temple on friday definitely hoping, but not expecting to see nicho there. he was. and there were only like 10 other people that came to service. well, after the oneg, he asked if i wanted to go for coffee, but seriously, i was way too tired, and i had a ride with judy and i'd promised my mom i'd be home early. she's felt a little abandoned i guess. ugh... mom's. so i told nicho i'd love to, but i promised my mom i'd be home with her. how freaking pathetic does that sound? he told me he just felt bad for not getting my number last week. :D

so yeah, i gave it to him. we've been texting, but he said he'd call me today, and still hasn't. i'm not one to call some one, especially a guy. i'm old fashioned. ok, but he's an aeronautical engineer. i'm not exactly sure what the hell that is, but it sounds awesome. i've pretty much decided i'm going to marry him. :D

i've come to the conclusion that i really suck at this whole blogging thing. what the hell else do i have to say? i've been so freaking busy that i don't even know what the hell has been going on. i saw my brother last night. there's really not much to say about that. i'm tired and have to go to work at 5pm. still not much interest for anyone in adding that. whatev.

i think i'm going to buy a plane ticket soon for utah. i want to make sure i at least go up there for my two year out of the center. i know that's far, in nov, but if i plan it now and get a ticket... maybe i'll actually follow through. poop.

my boobs hurt, and NO, i'm not pregnant. thanks for the suggestion though, lana. i miss you so much. for real. too much. oh, did whit and brie go to to vegas? i swear whit hates me. she hasn't responded to me in forever. anywho. i'm out.

alcoholism potential

i have way too much to write about. let's start with the fact that i just completely doubled the amout of times i've been drunk. and i think i was a lot more drunk last night than the last time, but i don't have a hang over. although, i did have to crap like 4 times already today and i've only been awake for like an hour and a half. i must say the fact that i feel like i've lost like 10 pounds in poo isn't really bothering me. anyway, i'm able to say "no" to drinking, but once you start it's not so simple to be content with one drink. let's just say i was a wee bit tipsy last night. don't worry, i was at my friends house and i stayed the night. regardless, i'm pretty sure i'm not a partier. not so much into the lifestyle of not being able to control the things i say. so no more vodka shots for trace... k?

on a different note, niko. that's all i have to say. who said jewish boys couldn't be tall, dark, and handsom? niko. i'm still new to this whole being social thing. i'm still not sure i'm meant for it. i think i make more of a fool out of myself than anything else. i met him at temple on friday night. i didn't get his number or give out mine. i'm kind of old fashioned... i'm not going to give it out unless he asks for it. and there's NO way in hell i'd ask for his. but we mutually hope to see eachother next friday. :D shut up, i know i'm a dumbass.

yesterday was whit's bday. 21 years of life. and i didn't even get to be there to wish her happy birthday. and yes, i'd have spanked her 21 times. just to say i spanked whitney. i love you. ha ha.

i need to go and call my dad. i have work at 5 and i think he wanted to meet up. i'm tired. anyway peace.

FYI, just because we HAD eating disorders doesn't mean we can't recover!

In response to Brie and Lana, yes, I'm also glad I gave in to peer pressure. Lana, you'll also be glad to hear that your 21 year old friend has finally experienced a little bit of drunkeness. I'll tell you about it later.

So as I understood it, one in recovery from an eating disorder is pretty much destined to go through hard times with all the food shit. And then once that known fact happens, all of a sudden the one's that were encouraging you need to distance themselves from you because you're going down the wrong path. I'm not sure, but I thought that's when support is the most helpful. Everyone wants to be by your side as long as you're doing fine, but the second things get rocky, it seems like all that goes down the toilet. Or wherever.

So why then must people be so suspicious if you actually ARE doing well? Oh my God!! And for all you mormons out there... Oh my heck! Sorry, just reading that Brie isn't able to saw "hi" to Julie because of any weight shit, when she's actually seriously doing quite well is bullshit. And even if she wasn't, what's so wrong with supporting some one in need? I just think thats pretty messed up. When I tell people I'm doing well, and even people here that see me, they assume I'm hiding something or that something will definately go wrong soon because there's no way I'm ok with how I look. And not that it matters, but I'm at a healthy weight even by the Center's standards. Whatev. I'm honestly over trying to make other people believe what I feel or try to get their validation. Because as far as I'm concerned, they can shove their support up their ass.

On a semi-lighter note, I got to prick some one's finger today at school!! We were practicing the procedure for screening cholesterol levels. I got poked too, but I must admit, squeezing blood from some one's finger is somewhat satisfying. I swear that sounds a lot creepier than I meant it to be. Maggie's home! SPPOOOOOOODDLLEEE!!!! I have to go get ready for my Judaism class. Maybe later I'll explain my venture into the world of alcohol. :D I swear I'm not crazy for it. But I must admit, being drunk is kind of fun. Peace.

T-vo

woah there!!

i finally have another post thingy! not that it really matters, it's not like anyone knows i have this stupid thing. well, just in case anyone ever sees this, i'd just like to let you know i'm actually doing pretty well. i'm working at blockbuster and tomorrow i start my training for shift manager. i've only been there abbout two and a half months, and there are two people that were there before me that aren't getting promoted. ha ha. suckas!

i'm also going to school monday thru friday from 9am to 2:30pm. this course is a medical assistant course, and then i'll probably take emt or something else like that before applying for the lvn program. i'm freaking excited, i'm not going to lie.

my freaking head hurts like a mofo right now. anyway, being home is going alright. i'm planning on moving out in august with my friend from work. i'm excited for that, because i can tell this living with my mom thing isn't the best for either of us. but it's working for now. i'm pretty active in my temple. i go to services every week, and i love going. i also take adult education classes every week and as soon as those are over i'll officially convert. it's kinda awesome to be doing what i want. making money, going to school, and not feeling pressured to do something i don't want to.

speaking of which, i was going to a therapist and dietitian when i first moved back home. i was seeing evelyn tribole, the lady that literally wrote the book on intuitive eating. she was pretty chill, and definately had different views on the topic than the center, but regardless, i still stopped seeing her. and as soon as i did, i kind of felt better about eating and weight and all that shit that goes along with it. so then i stopped seeing my therapist too. ha ha. i definately wouldn't advise that to ANYONE who's trying to recover from anything, but it just sort of worked out for me. and things aren't perfect with food all the time, but i'm at a healthy weight for even the center's standards and i'm actually comfortable with my body most days. so the center can stick that up their butt. ha ha. jk. anyway, my head really does hurt, and i think i might go into work early so i can get extra hours. that's another thing... when i have free time, i'm actually able to appreciate it. it's pretty nice. so, till next time.

t-vo