the boy

holy shit i think i'm in love. not only is he the nicest smelling guy in california, he's also an awesome person! he's spent the last 6 months in africa getting a well built for a village that had no clean water. i've spent the last few days with him and i can't believe him. did i mention he's one of the best kissers in california too?

down side to mr. perfect? ofcourse there has to be, right? i mean, there always has to be some sort of catch. well, there's definately a catch here. justin is moving to new zealand. next week. god freaking damn! i swear to all that is holy that i'm going to marry this man someday. but are you freaking kidding me? new zealand? first of all, i've always wanted to go there. but then... why that hell is he going now? couldn't he wait a few weeks? i could totally pull a mormon and get married in a few weeks, but a few days... even paul harper wouldn't go for that. and his prediction was that i'd be married within the next year. got to love that guy, but honestly. so i guess i'm just going to spend as much time with him as i can before he leaves. shit... he's freaking perfect! and he TOTALLY got it when i busted out a line from nacho libre. we're meant to be. i just know it. well. that's life i guess.

http://web.tickle.com/rd/53516/color/

my color

tracy's a super bitch

"amber, i think you're a really cute, nice girl, and i understand that there are times when it's hard not to focus all of your attention on eating and the way you look. but i just think you really need to think about what pictures you post. i understand the album you have is for awareness, but seeing that you are facebook friends with people like whit and betsy, they both are in really fragile states in their recovery. seeing pictures like that aren't helpful for people like them, and to have it so accessable is really risky. i have to admit that looking at them myself brought back bad memories, and i'm really trying hard to stay away from that. i know it's our own choice to look at your pics, but they're plastered on out home page as we sign in. i'm all for you being in groups that help you express yourself, but seriously, i know for one i'm trying to get away from that shit. and it's even hard for me not to want to look. maybe you could make them private or something because i know i don't want to see them. i hope i'm not acting like a bitch, but if that's what it takes, i guess i'd rather come across as one. i hope you can find something to hold on to, because fishing for compliments is only going to make things worse. you should treat yourself better, because you'll find the friends that come treat you better too. thanks for hearing my side. you really are awesome. maybe someday you'll listen to that.

tracy"

so that would be what i wrote to amber drake. sorry to use your name whit, i was just trying to make a point, seeing you were really the only person on her friends list that i knew. so... how much of a freaking bitch am i? i'm sorry, but any girl that posts pictures of herself partially naked and then has to make a point of telling everyone she's "fat" and then fish for the freaking compliments like, you're crazy! you're so skinny! it's just fucking annoying.

anyway, i went on a sorta-not-really date last night. i went out for coffee with my friend, and then we invited justin, a guy from temple that asked for my number last friday. holy shit, the guy smells so good. he asked me to go with him to his cousin's restaurant in L.A. tonight. I really want to go, but I have a class at the temple i really wanted to go to. and if i don't go, i don't get my special jew certificate! poop. well, i'm going to meet with rabbi moskowitz in like an hour, so i don't know. whatev. but i swear, i'd have justin's babies. definately. he's moving to new zealand in like a week though, but hell, i've always wanted to go! whatev. no commitment right? ha. anyway, i'm cold and i really just wanted to show you how much of a bitch i really am. i love you guys.

effexor withdrawls

well, today is day number two without my meds. i'm an idiot and didn't really care about the fact that i ran out until i realized i really did run out. today i'm going through the begining stages of withdrawl. not fun. i made an appt for tomorrow. my mom's going to stop by walgreens on her way home and ask them for two days worth of effexor xr. i definately wasn't aware you could do that. we'll see if you can when she comes home with or without it. she told me to tell them i have an appointment for tomorrow and they should give me a few pills. that definately doesn't make me feel like an addict.

i have something i need to get off my back. i have a friend on facebook, and i met her at the center. i don't think she was ever inpatient, but i know she did alice's yoga group or whatever that shit was. anyway, she has this "album" on her facebook called look what society has done, or something like that, i'm not exactly sure. anyway, she posts these pictures of anorexic girls, some definately are computer enhanced to make them look worse. anyway, i'm sure she has it up as some stupid awareness shit, but it's definately looking more like a pro-ana thing to me. it just pisses me off because she sends me shit like eating disorder awareness group invites, and then she posts shit like that on her site. i've tried really hard to be nice and tell her she shouldn't have that on there, but i think she's a little too dense for that, and now i'm about to comment on her site saying she's a fucking dumbass and she's probably making it really hard for some people to stay the hell away from that shit. wow. i'm so glad i could get that off my chest. now i'm going to go tell her that. :D anyway, maggie is home, i need to go play with her.

how old am i again?

honestly... alright... so i sort of told a little lie to get out of class early today. elan called, and i haven't seen her in way too long, so at first i was planning on meeting her at her house today at 12pm. i don't get out of class till 2:30ish, so i told my teacher i had an appointment to get to. i'm honestly one of the better students in the class, and i've only missed one day. most people have missed more, and i know some that the teacher likes that have missed multiple times. well what does she say to me? "you're going to be missing quite a lot, will you bring a doctor's note?" ok, so i texted elan and asked if i could meet her at 2. that way i'd just tell my teacher i moved the appt for her. she told me that was much better. but as i was about to leave...15 minutes after 2, mind you, she says... don't forget your doctor's note. FUCK THAT! that's the fucking stupidest thing i've ever heard! i'm 21 and i need a doctors note to be excused from 15 minutes of class. honestly, the bitch hates me. she's the one that made me feel like an idiot when i told her i wasn't going to get on a scale for everyone in the class. she told me i'd have to get over that if i was going to be in the medical field. yeah, because i see how weighing myself is imparative to the health of my patients. stupid asswipe.

so, i just came back from a little jog. it was actually quite nice and very not e.d. provoking. seriously. i went out to dinner with my mom and had a salad and french fries... isn't that contradicting ha ha... and i thought, i'd really like to take a little jog. it wasn't too far, and now i feel good. oh... so i saw elan! it was so nice to see her. i made her look at my boobs. i know she's jealous. so, she's going to SAB this summer in NYC, and i think i'm going to visit her. anyone want to join me? i think it'd be so much fun to go to nyc with you girls. minus all the eating troubles, because believe me, been there, done that, and it's not that much fun in the heat. anywho... yeah. elan and i went to a park in fullerton, and played on the swings and smashed open a watermellon on the ground and then ate it. don't worry, the parts we ate didn't touch the ground. it was good times. unfortunately, she took the pictures of us eating it, so i don't have them to post. i'll try to get her to email them to me.

i'm having a hard time getting motivated to go to school tomorrow. that freaking hag just pissed me off. ugh! yeah. so i'm tired. and thirsty! DIET COKE PLUS!! i'm out bitches. loves ya.

T

"don't be a butt"

alright, so there is a guy that lives by me, and he's a smoker. no, this isn't one of those stupid pathetic jokes that i don't even get, so keep reading. if you walk down the street parallel with my neighborhood, there is a wall between you and where i live. so, this man likes to smoke his cigs and then flick them over the wall. well, i think thats rude. so do you want to know what i did? i picked up all the cigs on the sidewalk, and went around the wall, and put them in front of his door. while it was open and he was sitting on the other side of the wall watching tv. i decided next time i'm going to put them all in a box, wrap it like a present, and attach a note that says, "don't be a butt." do you think he'll get it?

my mom just offered to get me a gym membership. i'm a little reluctant, and you should know why. if you don't, ask alana. or not. anyway, i think i want to take her up on this offer, because i'm eating now. and that's good. ha ha. sorry, that wasn't funny. anyway, i think i'm ready to start the whole physical exercise thing and not get obsessed about it. one thing, i'm too busy to always be at the gym. another, she'll be paying for it. i think. i don't know. whatev.

well, i guess i'm sort of boring because i can't think of anything to write. oh, do you like the picture? it's of my hand and phillip's, a little boy with autism that i volunteer for. he's the cutest thing ever. and then that's me and him. he's the cutest ever. i pretty much love him. well, i miss your guts.


t.

my besties

you three seriously are the most awesome people ever. i did go to see rabbi moskowitz... and by the way, i crack up every time i try and imagine you guys saying his name wrong :D... and it was really what i needed. he didn't push anything and just let me talk. he would ask basic questions about family and work and stuff. but it was really nice to talk to him. except for the times when he's just STARE AT ME! jeez what is it with people? ha ha. reminded me of wendy. except i didn't yell at him ha ha. so i had to keep talking so at least it wasn't like... ok.... therapy. at least it was free. ha. jk.

i'm not gonna lie... i really miss you guys. who votes for me coming out to utah soon? i want to show off my new boobs. real boobs. :D i'm starting to be alright with the boob/booty thing. i actually think i have a hot ass now. i've even made people feel it. don't worry, most of them weren't strangers.

i was so productive today. i washed my car AND waxed it. that shit is hard to take off. then i went for a run... in my cfc pride shirt, mind you. remember when we made shirts for spirit week? the picture is the shirt where it says treatment team 1. anyway, and i showered, essential. and now i think i'm going to take a nap. here's to days off and doing things without being told to! whooooo! i miss you guys. did i mention that yet? well, i'm gonna go sleep. i have my judaism class at 7 tonight, so i have pleanty of time for sleep. yay. i love ditch days.

blah

yeah, i just feel blah. no reason. i think i'm too tired. i'm thinking maybe i'll ditch school tomorrow. i finally did that freaking paper on a dr. from history. i picked dr. leo kanner. he named the syndrom of autism. so i don't really have anything to do. there's no tests tomorrow, and i told rabbi moskowitz i wanted to talk to him. tell me what i should do here... i think i explained in the last post that i started crying before going out with nicho and rabbi moskowitz saw me and put his arm around me. well i told him that i've had bad experiences in the past and then i told him i wanted to talk to him. so he took out his planner and said he'd talk to me tomorrow at 10am. well, now i don't really want to talk to him about that. you know how when the moment is past and you're kind of like... never mind it's all good now... that's what i feel like. i emailed him and said he didn't have to talk with me, but i just feel like a freak now. do you think i should go? i'd have to skip school anyway. but what happens if i sit down and then just don't start talking. or say something stupid to try to change the subject. i feel like a dumbass. whatever. nothing new. ha ha.

so i got a text from nicho last night. he said he was out of his element on friday and he's not use to not eating all day. appearently he hadn't eaten all day. i kind of found that funny. anyway... he said he wanted to see me again. i suppose i could, but it seems sort of awkward. something about friday just was a turnoff. i think he just wants to get some. why do guys get the impression i'm like that? because i'm NOT. whatev. i don't know. i think i'm just freaking tired and i REALLY don't want to go to work. at least after today i have 4 days off in a row. YEAAAA YAH!!! i miss having friends. burp. tired. tired. tired. oh and sometime soon i want to make a list. i'm not sure what kind of list, something random, and put it up on my page. i'll work on it tonight at work. ha ha. blah. i should go now. poop. anyway, should i see the rabbi tomorrow? TELL ME!!!

trace.

stupid baby

Holy shit. Tracy's a fucking idiot. just incase you didn't already know that. so since i'm being harassed by alana so fucking much i'll write about my date from yesterday after temple, but first, i have to tell you what happened before we went out.

after services on friday nights, there's something called an oneg. it's basically when they bless the wine and challah bread and then everyone talks and blah blah. so, i was with my friend judy. i call her my jewish mommy. she told me she was going to leave, and i told her that i didn't want to go out with nicho. people kept coming up to me at that point because they had noticed that i was sitting with a boy that no one knew. i started freaking CRYING! fucking dumbass. i was basically pleading with judy that she not leave me and told her i wanted to go home. the next thing i knew, the freaking rabbi was standing next to me. i was holding a paper in front of my face because judy started to make a big deal and everyone was sort of laughing at me in the... oh i remember those days... kind of way. well then i started seriously crying and the rabbi said... is this about... and before he could say anything judy says YES.

well judy sort of likes to make a big deal out of everything and she was like... stop being a baby and go out! well the rabbi saw that i was really crying, and he asked if i was seriously afraid to go. i shook my head yes. by this point he had his hand on my back in the concerned father-ish type of way, and i thought, oh shit. now he's going to know i'm a freak. you know when some one notices "oh, there's more to this person than i thought. maybe i can help" especially when it's a rabbi or bishop or whatever. and the last thing you want is for some one you respect to know you're crazy. anyway, the rabbi asked me if i was afraid he was going to hurt me. and i told him i've just had bad experiences in the past. judy doesn't know about any of the not so good things that have happened in the past year with the male species. and now, like a fucking dumbass, i open myself up to some one i really didn't want to know i'm retarded. of course, i guess i'm glad i didn't say that to judy. anyway... so by this time rabbi moskowitz is hugging me and judy is telling me i'm a baby. if she only knew. but yeah, so then i ran into the bathroom so i could fix my make up. i sucked it up and just told the rabbi i wanted to talk to him sometime next week.

then i left with nicho.

so that's just pre date. i seriously didn't think it would be like that. i mean, i didn't think it'd be hard to go out. i haven't really been scared like that since stuff. you know? sometimes i forget about last year. and that's nice. :D not gonna lie. but let me tell you, i got a sorta weird vibe from nicho. not that i was afraid he was going to do anything... but he definitely sort of reminded me of the devil. and by the devil i mean jared. ha ha. not in the scary way, but the i-know-i-look-good sort of way. i don't know, i guess i just didn't really click with him. we walked down second street and went to this cafe called the library. i saw one of the most anorexic girls i'd seen out here since getting back. i felt really bad for her. at the same time, i got a small twinge of that i'm jealous sort of thing, but believe me, it didn't last. it was actually sort of neat to be able to thing, wow, that girl is hurting, and i'm glad i'm not at the place anymore.

so after the cafe, we went back to my car and i drove us around for a while. i didn't want to be parked for fear of stupid fears i have. anyway, yeah, i sort of think he thinks he's prettier than he really is. i mean, he's nice looking, i'm not going to lie. but the way he was talking about how he wishes people could see more than his looks, it made him a lot less attractive. that and he told me he was jealous of me because i wasn't very experienced in the relationship department. i know i guess he sort of meant it as a compliment, but it just sounded like a stupid thing to say. anyway, we stayed out till 3 just talking. no i didn't kiss him. and that was because he had bad breath. and let's be honest, i sort of was looking forward to the kissing part. and i could tell he was too. :D ha. shows i was in control. and that's how it's meant to be baby. oh yeah, and he had this weird thing with feet. ew.

so, maybe i wont marry nicho. oh well. it just kind of sucks because now going to temple is going to be a little awkward. and it's my favorite place to be. that and probably the fact that i'm pretty sure nicho thinks i'm into him, even though that's not the case. uh. so yeah. it wasn't a disaster. but now i have an appt to meet with the rabbi next week, but i wrote him an email today apologizing for being stupid and telling him not to worry about meeting with me because i'm just a dumbass. only not in those words. i feel so stupid. whatev. nothing new.

on a lighter note... JUNO COMES OUT ON VIDEO ON APRIL 15th! I'm so excited. for rizzle. i'm going to buy it as soon as we receive it. which is before YOU are going to be able to buy it. i love working at bbv.

anywho, it's late and i have a report i need to start that's due on tuesday that i'm probably still not going to start till monday night. i love procrastination. not