freaking tired

i pretty much feel like i haven't slept in forever, but that's not true. i'm just becoming a freaking grandma and need to take naps in the middle of the day. whatev. i'm down. i figured i'd do a quick post for the only two people that look at this, and then i'll take a shower and a nap before my judaism class tonight.

so, a little update on the nicho sitch. we've been texting all week, and i told him that after service on friday i'll go out with him for coffee. usually on fridays i go to school with my friend judy to volunteer at her school for the autism class she teaches. they're the cutest kids ever. anyway, i have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn. and usually i spend the night at her house thursdays so i can just wake up and leave, but i still have to wake up by 6:15am. and if you know me, you know that's not a tracy thing, so i must REALLY love those kids if i get up that early on my day off. anyway... if i have to get up that early, it's going to be really hard to motivate myself to stay out late, even if it is with a ridiculously sexy boy. so do you think i should bail on judy and sleep in? even though i love helping out the kids? or should i just suck it up? nicho has to be at work by 6am every day so he wakes up at 4am. that's worse, so maybe i should shut up and just sleep in on saturday. whatever.

i need to visit utah. and you know what? lately i've had the urge to write becky and alice letters telling them i'm doing well... the one for alice is because i really liked her and i want her to know that i kicked it into gear, and the one for becky is because i sort of feel pissed about the way she left things making me feel like a bitch. i know i should probably just leave the whole thing alone, but i want her to know even though she didn't think i'd be able to get better without a therapist and all that shit, i did it, without her help. it's really immature. well, my reasoning is. maybe i'll write the letter for beck and just not send it. like write it in my journal and just get it out and then that's it. because really, i shouldn't care what she thinks about me. poop.

so yeah. i've been doing pretty well. despite the fact that since we're working on vital signs at school and we have a skills test next week, so i have to get weighed or else i don't get points. i'm seriously mostly alright with my weight and how i look and feel. which is amazing because i was so messed up in my head when i came back home, not wanting to get better and shit. and i know my weight... yes i still own a scale, but i don't have the feeling that i need to use it. i do sometimes but not very often. but to have some one else see my weight on an uncalibrated scale isn't my idea of a necessity to become an MA. whatev. i told my partner that i'm going to get on the scale backwards. she knows about my issues. ha ha. she use to have them too. so it's cool to have some one out here to talk to. i just think my teacher is a dumbass. but yeah, i'm mostly comfortable with myself. which i never thought would happen. so i'm pretty proud of myself. boo yeah bitches!!

anyway, i'm out. it's NAP TIME!

love you whores.

nicho nicho nicho

ok lana, this one is for you.

so anyway, i went to temple on friday definitely hoping, but not expecting to see nicho there. he was. and there were only like 10 other people that came to service. well, after the oneg, he asked if i wanted to go for coffee, but seriously, i was way too tired, and i had a ride with judy and i'd promised my mom i'd be home early. she's felt a little abandoned i guess. ugh... mom's. so i told nicho i'd love to, but i promised my mom i'd be home with her. how freaking pathetic does that sound? he told me he just felt bad for not getting my number last week. :D

so yeah, i gave it to him. we've been texting, but he said he'd call me today, and still hasn't. i'm not one to call some one, especially a guy. i'm old fashioned. ok, but he's an aeronautical engineer. i'm not exactly sure what the hell that is, but it sounds awesome. i've pretty much decided i'm going to marry him. :D

i've come to the conclusion that i really suck at this whole blogging thing. what the hell else do i have to say? i've been so freaking busy that i don't even know what the hell has been going on. i saw my brother last night. there's really not much to say about that. i'm tired and have to go to work at 5pm. still not much interest for anyone in adding that. whatev.

i think i'm going to buy a plane ticket soon for utah. i want to make sure i at least go up there for my two year out of the center. i know that's far, in nov, but if i plan it now and get a ticket... maybe i'll actually follow through. poop.

my boobs hurt, and NO, i'm not pregnant. thanks for the suggestion though, lana. i miss you so much. for real. too much. oh, did whit and brie go to to vegas? i swear whit hates me. she hasn't responded to me in forever. anywho. i'm out.

alcoholism potential

i have way too much to write about. let's start with the fact that i just completely doubled the amout of times i've been drunk. and i think i was a lot more drunk last night than the last time, but i don't have a hang over. although, i did have to crap like 4 times already today and i've only been awake for like an hour and a half. i must say the fact that i feel like i've lost like 10 pounds in poo isn't really bothering me. anyway, i'm able to say "no" to drinking, but once you start it's not so simple to be content with one drink. let's just say i was a wee bit tipsy last night. don't worry, i was at my friends house and i stayed the night. regardless, i'm pretty sure i'm not a partier. not so much into the lifestyle of not being able to control the things i say. so no more vodka shots for trace... k?

on a different note, niko. that's all i have to say. who said jewish boys couldn't be tall, dark, and handsom? niko. i'm still new to this whole being social thing. i'm still not sure i'm meant for it. i think i make more of a fool out of myself than anything else. i met him at temple on friday night. i didn't get his number or give out mine. i'm kind of old fashioned... i'm not going to give it out unless he asks for it. and there's NO way in hell i'd ask for his. but we mutually hope to see eachother next friday. :D shut up, i know i'm a dumbass.

yesterday was whit's bday. 21 years of life. and i didn't even get to be there to wish her happy birthday. and yes, i'd have spanked her 21 times. just to say i spanked whitney. i love you. ha ha.

i need to go and call my dad. i have work at 5 and i think he wanted to meet up. i'm tired. anyway peace.

FYI, just because we HAD eating disorders doesn't mean we can't recover!

In response to Brie and Lana, yes, I'm also glad I gave in to peer pressure. Lana, you'll also be glad to hear that your 21 year old friend has finally experienced a little bit of drunkeness. I'll tell you about it later.

So as I understood it, one in recovery from an eating disorder is pretty much destined to go through hard times with all the food shit. And then once that known fact happens, all of a sudden the one's that were encouraging you need to distance themselves from you because you're going down the wrong path. I'm not sure, but I thought that's when support is the most helpful. Everyone wants to be by your side as long as you're doing fine, but the second things get rocky, it seems like all that goes down the toilet. Or wherever.

So why then must people be so suspicious if you actually ARE doing well? Oh my God!! And for all you mormons out there... Oh my heck! Sorry, just reading that Brie isn't able to saw "hi" to Julie because of any weight shit, when she's actually seriously doing quite well is bullshit. And even if she wasn't, what's so wrong with supporting some one in need? I just think thats pretty messed up. When I tell people I'm doing well, and even people here that see me, they assume I'm hiding something or that something will definately go wrong soon because there's no way I'm ok with how I look. And not that it matters, but I'm at a healthy weight even by the Center's standards. Whatev. I'm honestly over trying to make other people believe what I feel or try to get their validation. Because as far as I'm concerned, they can shove their support up their ass.

On a semi-lighter note, I got to prick some one's finger today at school!! We were practicing the procedure for screening cholesterol levels. I got poked too, but I must admit, squeezing blood from some one's finger is somewhat satisfying. I swear that sounds a lot creepier than I meant it to be. Maggie's home! SPPOOOOOOODDLLEEE!!!! I have to go get ready for my Judaism class. Maybe later I'll explain my venture into the world of alcohol. :D I swear I'm not crazy for it. But I must admit, being drunk is kind of fun. Peace.

T-vo

woah there!!

i finally have another post thingy! not that it really matters, it's not like anyone knows i have this stupid thing. well, just in case anyone ever sees this, i'd just like to let you know i'm actually doing pretty well. i'm working at blockbuster and tomorrow i start my training for shift manager. i've only been there abbout two and a half months, and there are two people that were there before me that aren't getting promoted. ha ha. suckas!

i'm also going to school monday thru friday from 9am to 2:30pm. this course is a medical assistant course, and then i'll probably take emt or something else like that before applying for the lvn program. i'm freaking excited, i'm not going to lie.

my freaking head hurts like a mofo right now. anyway, being home is going alright. i'm planning on moving out in august with my friend from work. i'm excited for that, because i can tell this living with my mom thing isn't the best for either of us. but it's working for now. i'm pretty active in my temple. i go to services every week, and i love going. i also take adult education classes every week and as soon as those are over i'll officially convert. it's kinda awesome to be doing what i want. making money, going to school, and not feeling pressured to do something i don't want to.

speaking of which, i was going to a therapist and dietitian when i first moved back home. i was seeing evelyn tribole, the lady that literally wrote the book on intuitive eating. she was pretty chill, and definately had different views on the topic than the center, but regardless, i still stopped seeing her. and as soon as i did, i kind of felt better about eating and weight and all that shit that goes along with it. so then i stopped seeing my therapist too. ha ha. i definately wouldn't advise that to ANYONE who's trying to recover from anything, but it just sort of worked out for me. and things aren't perfect with food all the time, but i'm at a healthy weight for even the center's standards and i'm actually comfortable with my body most days. so the center can stick that up their butt. ha ha. jk. anyway, my head really does hurt, and i think i might go into work early so i can get extra hours. that's another thing... when i have free time, i'm actually able to appreciate it. it's pretty nice. so, till next time.

t-vo